What I am about to share is deeply personal, and something I have been hesitant to share with anyone. I have decided to go ahead with this blog post because if me sharing my feelings regarding my adoption can help one child or adult, then it is worth the butterflies in my stomach right now.
I have talked openly about my adoption for many years, and have been pretty matter of fact when sharing my story. I have always focused on the fact that I grew up in a good home with great parents, and really haven’t talked much about what has gone on inside my head and heart when it comes to the fact that I was given up for adoption, and actually vividly remember sitting at a table in the DHS offices and hearing my biological mother tell my sister and myself that she would never see us again. I haven’t talked at all about the feelings of not being wanted by the woman who gave birth to me. I have always chosen to focus on the positive. That even though I was not raised by my biological mother and father, the life I was given by my adoptive parents was a life filled with love and acceptance.
As an adult, I have done a very good job of building walls that hide that insecure little girl who felt very much unwanted and unloved by the one person who should have wanted me and should have loved me enough to fight for me. Even though I have no doubt that I had a much better life being raised by Frank and Betty Williams, those deep feelings were always there…….the feeling of being an accident……..that I wasn’t wanted.
My biological mother gave birth to seven children, and for various reasons, she did not raise any of us. There have been many times in my life that I wonder if birth control had been better in 60’s, if I would even be on this earth. Because I am only 13 months younger than my sister, I have always just assumed that I was an “oops”. It is not something that I dwell on, but it is something that bubbles up and slaps me in the face once in a while.
This week was one of those times. A “Facebook friend” announced that she and her husband were having another child. A a new baby to add to the 8 blessings(some through birth and others through adoption) they already have. She wrote a blog post explaining why she and her husband are so excited about this new life that will be joining their family. Because EVERY life is a blessing and orchestrated by God. There are NO mistakes! Yes, some children may face pain and hardship early in life. They may spend time in foster care, orphanages in foreign countries, or bounce back and forth between family members. These children are NOT ACCIDENTS and they are NOT MISTAKES. They are wanted and loved by the best Father ever and He will look after them and take care of them until they find a forever family. As I reread what I just wrote, it would be so easy for me to just put the word I in where I have written they………but that makes it too close, too personal. When I was reading her post, it hit me like a ton of bricks….I have carried that feeling of being an accident, and unwanted through my life. At times I have hidden it well. At times I have not. There are times when that scared little girl is very much a part of this fifty-something-year-old woman. There are times that the cruel words that were hurled at me on the playground when I was “just a foster kid” slap me in the face and make me feel those feelings of hurt and loneliness all over again. The most hurtful words that have ever been said to me were said on a first grade playground. Those words were “nobody wants you, you are a FOSTER kid”. Even though I have lived many years since those words were said to me, they still come back to haunt me and that hurt, scared little girl inside me remains. Parents – talk to your kids about the hurtful things they may say to others. They do matter and they do cause deep wounds. Even though after my adoption, I shared very openly (and yes to those bullies at school), that I was chosen and I was wanted, I still held on to that belief that I was an accident.
As I read Callie’s post earlier this week, the tears began to fall. When I read her words that every child is a blessing, and every child is a gift I realized for the first time in my life that I am not an accident. God knew what my future would hold when I was conceived. He knew that there would be rough times. He knew that I would hold on to memories from my early years that are painful. He knew that Frank and Betty Williams were the perfect parents for me, and that the road to their arms and hearts would be a difficult one, but that He would be with me along the way. He wanted me……and He loved me when I didn’t think anybody else did. So…..Callie Reed, thank you for sharing your blog post. It touched me in a way few things have, and it has healed huge part of my heart.
I AM NOT AN ACCIDENT!