Jumbled Thoughts

I have had a post brewing in my head for about a month now (ever since Dave’s surgery) but don’t think I am quite ready to post it.  To be perfectly honest my feelings are two raw right now and I fear that I putting those thoughts in writing could leave me a crying mess……..so I am going avoid that for now.

Today was Dave’s third radiation treatment and the first one where I was able to go back and see them fit him with the mask and “snap” him into place.  The ladies at the cancer center were wonderful and offered Dave a warm blanket which he said he didn’t need.  They allowed me to snap a couple of pictures which Dave wanted and then shooed me out before the treatment actually began.  Let me say here and now that I am extremely claustrophobic and watching them bolt Dave to the table may or may not have caused a few tears to fall (stupid tears).   After he was done with treatment, we met with the doc.  We both really like her.  She can be a bit “awkward” when talking but she doesn’t hide anything and is very straight forward.  She showed us the computer generation of where the radiation beams are aimed at and hitting and talked with us about the potential side effects.  They are zapping the left side of his face where the tumor and affected lymph nodes were with a higher dose than the right side.  The appointment actually went very well.

It is still just to hard to say the words “Dave has Cancer”.  After he had his surgery, I found myself saying “Dave Had Cancer” until we started meeting with the docs over here and realized that they still consider that he has cancer, even if the tumor and lymph nodes have been removed, with the  chance of some microscopic disease in there, they say there is………not so sure I like that.

As I look ahead to the Holiday season, I want so desperately to find joy among all we are going through.  Joy in a baby who came to earth to save us from our sins that grew up into a man who died for our sins.  The joy in being with my family and celebrating the season.  The joy that we have medicine that can cure diseases like cancer (coming soon my thoughts about this horrible beast called cancer), and the joy that Dave is here with us and that doctors have used words like “curable”.

Many people have reminded me to take care of myself through all of this.  I am trying but it is hard.  Any time I feel like I am tired or frustrated, or don’t feel well etc., I feel like I don’t have any room to complain because Dave is going through much worse.  It is just a difficult road and I have no idea how to walk it.  I’m doing the best I can but if you happen to see me stumble, please feel free to lend a helping hand.

Well, I’d better close this for now.  Thanks for coming here and reading my jumbled thoughts.

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